Take A Bow: The Harm of Performative Allyship
As I sit at my desk typing this I can’t help but hear Rihanna’s lyrics from her 2008 hit “Take a Bow” playing in my head. The song is both a pop hit and breakup anthem for a few reasons. Rihanna is telling a story about a lover who has pretended to be someone they’re not. The song’s lyrics in the chorus are as follows:
“But you put on quite a show
You really had me goin’
But now it’s time to go
Curtain’s finally closin’
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it’s over now
Go on and take a bow”
The song’s warning of phony behavior resonated with me because I’ve had similar feelings when dealing with some of my own relationships. Lately I’ve felt this way towards people in my life who identify themselves as allies to marginalized communities. There may be a desire to help, but they haven’t taken the time to understand the nuances of a community’s experience to effectively support it. They are uneducated at best and deceptive at worst. Either way, the performance is deeply harmful, often clumsy, and just plain fake. Experiencing this behavior is exhausting and those claiming to be strong allies with no actions to back it up should just “take a bow.”
You really had me goin’
While I’d like to think most of us could see through inauthentic behavior, the truth is some of these acts are deceptively convincing and make it harder to determine who is genuinely supportive. With the increase in diversity, equity, and inclusion conversations in our workplaces, performative allyship has steadily become a larger issue. There is discomfort that happens when trying to grow one’s understanding of a topic like DEI in the workplace, especially if you identify as a part of the majority. In an effort to minimize this discomfort, some people are eager to prove they are not contributing to another person’s oppression by showing how “woke” they are compared to others in their circles. Sadly, that desire to show they are inherently good can backfire when lacking the necessary tools and language to speak about their own DEI journey (and in many instances also reveals deeply rooted biases).
That was quite a show
Many underrepresented minorities have also witnessed the insincere gestures and surface level activism from major companies and their brands. Major corporations continue to annually release their inclusively branded campaigns and messaging for what are considered diversity holiday milestones (Black History, AAPI, Women’s History, Pride, etc.). It gets confusing determining which efforts are heartfelt versus opportunistic. June is now seen by many brands as a month to market heavily to the LGBTQIA+ community during annual Pride celebrations. Aside from the rainbow colored swag that many see flooding store shelves, folks still may not fully understand the weight and importance of Pride’s history. Teaching audiences the stories of figures like Marsha P. Johnson, Larry Kramer, and Sylvia Rivera should be just as (if not more) important as creating colorful merchandise. We can’t allow diluted messaging to diminish the contributions of important figures in these movements nor cloud the reasons people should stand in solidarity with the LGBTQIA+ community.
Being honest about what motivates you to support an underrepresented community is important. When Juneteenth became a nationally recognized holiday in the United States, many people were quick to post celebratory messages on social media and some also sent their black friends inauthentic, congratulatory texts. A colleague and I even received the same boilerplate message from a mutual, non-black peer, the only difference being our swapped first names. After reading those messages, I was left feeling both confused and slightly insulted. They reminded me of a lighter version of the messages I had gotten after the George Floyd and Breonna Taylor murders. Those who would more than likely never ask how I’m doing suddenly cared about my challenges as a black person in the United States (or at least enough to send me an uninspired and unoriginal text message). Here is a tip, don’t send the same templated “message of support” to people you claim to value. Honestly consider why you would want to send a communication regarding a DEI issue in the first place. Was it to make yourself feel better? Was it to check a box so you could say you did something? Instead of sending empty messages of support for a holiday like Juneteenth donate to Black activist groups, learn how to be anti-racist, and educate yourself on the importance of Juneteenth’s history to our nation.
Now it’s time to go
These kinds of conversations are part of a lifelong learning journey for all involved. You’ve probably experienced and/or committed some of these performative acts in your own life. Acknowledge how you can show up better and use those moments as opportunities to ask questions while learning how to be a stronger ally. It is okay, and essential, to be respectfully curious. No one expects you to have all of the answers nor say all of the right things at any given moment. However, it is important to show that you’re trying to educate yourself. In the article How To Be an Ally: From Curious To Courageous, author Isabel Gonçalves shares a very useful framework for allies to begin their journey of understanding. There are four key steps outlined in this piece:
Ask
- “What does it mean to be an ally?”
- “What can I read or watch to understand your lived experience?”
Listen
- “What makes you feel included and empowered?”
- “What do you wish I knew about your lived experience?”
Show Up
- “What are some causes I can show up to by donating and supporting?”
- “What can I do as an ally?”
Speak Up
- Point out an action that discriminates against a community when it happens.
- If you notice that someone is speaking over another person in a meeting, intentionally or not, speak up
Go on and take a bow
I think these are great starting points into better understanding how to practice more intentional and compassionate allyship. Truly striving to understand the community you claim to support and what can actually help them. If you aren’t addressing the real world challenges marginalized groups face day-to-day, how can you reframe your approach and be of more help? Pause and consider the work that is needed before you are overly vocal about a specific community or cause. Ask yourself, how would you want others to genuinely show support for you if you needed it? How can you oppose harmful legislation or hateful speech that is used to oppress certain communities? Practice empathy and put yourself in the shoes of the marginalized people in your life. While the concept is simple, it is also an extremely powerful practice that helps further our understanding of others. Let’s acknowledge that it’s time to end performative allyship once and for all. Go on and take a bow.
